Caregiver as in sweetmelissa

i fall deeper into the world of caregiving.  I’m alone and struggling with pretend strength.  So disappointed in those around me who have disappeared.  Life goes on and yet it has stopped for me.  I’m blessed to have the opportunity to be my parent’s keeper….just hope I’m doing it right.  I recently read Tom Brokaw’s book…”A Lucky Life Interrupted”…….he talks about the need for a national dialogue on the importance of caregiving.  I’m ready to talk, however, let’s listen.  I hate being scared.  I’ll stay calm and hope for a bruce concert for escape. 

 

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Sweetmelissa

I’m not here today — I’m nowhere as I seek a new meaning for life.  I sound like a 60’s outcast/hippy as I talk about searching for the meaning of life, however, it couldn’t be more true.

I moved from the city to the country to be a caregiver.  I left the hustle and bustle of busy streets, Starbucks, meeting my friends at night for a movie or dinner and some sense of normalcy.  I now live in the country by the beach — I can search for the meaning of life every day as I mourn the loss of my dad.  My grief counselor said it could take up to a year….grief has no permanent definition.  

My friends are now on social websites — how crazy is that?  I have no real identity…just that of a lost soul crying out for help.  I’m now caring for my mom — it is scary….I feel so alone.  I’m blessed to have parents who lived long lives…..I was just never prepared to feel so empty.

I write notes for my gratitude jar — reminding me how lucky I am and giving me my reason for living.  My past life gave me a world of news, government and media at a very high level.  I’m glad I had that life when I was young.  Now, I can just concentrate on being there for others.  I just want someone to tell me it will be o.k.  Bruce? 

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Ugly or Pretty Grief

i am dealing with the ugliness of grief as my dad recently died.  The dark side of grief leaves you empty, alone, feeling as if you are crazy and suicidal.  The pretty side of grief allows you to talk with your loved one as if he or she is still here.  The cut off of constant dialogue in real time is frightening…..one day they are there….one day they are not.  The pretty side of grief tells you to take walks, go the beach, try yoga all as one’s mind is in constant conflict.  I want normal back….not going to happen.  I have to move on….the “people” tell you it will take six months…..waiting for that cut off.  I went nuts and got a tattoo…..dad’s luck number on my ring finger so I can always his presence.  I want to escape to a bruce concert🌞  

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Healing

everyone tells me to be brave…..think happy thoughts…

I’m just trying to get through the minutes of the day…

It has been 2 months since dad died…..everyone wants plans for the future…

I’m just happy to take a walk and make it to starbucks for my fix…

I have to be strong for others…..I’m tired……

Nothing will be the same, however, my gratitude jar is helping…..

I gave a few bucks to a homeless man today…..it made me feel good….I’m grateful I’ve been blessed in life…

Now I just have to keep moving forward…..dad would want that…..

Thanks tmz for giving me the absurdity in our world…..you make me laugh 

 

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I Love You

dad….give me the strength to be strong…..

Dad…..give the strength to make you proud…

I’ll see you again….I want you to smile…

Dad…..I miss you…..I’m in pain, however, you would want me to be your heart and soul…

I’ll figure it out…I just need time…..bring me peace… 

 

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Dad….I miss you….

Dad died 30 days ago….I miss him terribly…..I live minute to minute……I’m not sure what the new norm is for me…..I miss his voice, his laughter, his soothing support, his face and holding his hand.  He always made me feel so safe.  People tell me I can still talk to him and, I do….I just want to hear him answer.  I look out at the street and try and figure out how to live….the houses on the streets don’t seem the same, the beach looks lazy, television is my best friend.  My family looks at the black and white of life….I have difficulty with that reality. 

Dad, I love you…..we will have the luck of the Irish today…



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Kardashian Krazy

my dad passed away recently….I’m still trying to find my way….

I turn on the tv and see $100 million contracts going to the kardashians…..football players securing $200 

Million contracts……….the excess of “The Real Housewives of everywhere “…….

I then turn on the news and see the poverty of our country…..children losing their lives in Syria….the 

Silliness of Hilary…..

Take a minute to breathe…..look at the trees….be thankful for every minute of the day….cherish your memories…

Eliminate the excess….means nothing…..



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Sweet Punter – I Love you Dad!  



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Glider Pilot Dad

Dad died last week….he was 97….his life amazing…
I’m so sad….I miss him so much…..
I miss our conversations….his love of life….
He will miss his first great grandchild….
He wanted to vote for Hilary Clinton…..go dad!
No one prepares you for the loss of a loved one….
Life goes on but it has stopped for me….
For those of you who say he was 97….well, he was, however, he had the mind and body of a man in his seventies…
</His discipline was that of a young man…
He was my pal, my heroe, my dad….
I hope it will get better….

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Dad

Dad, thank you for being my hero…
Dad, thank you for being my strength…
Dad, thank you for giving me the opportunity to travel the world…
Dad, thank you for teaching me the future is our strength, never look back…
Dad, thank you for being an amazing glider pilot….
Dad, thank you for being proud of me throughout my career…
Dad, I remember you in your pilot’s uniform running through the door to hug us when you returned from an assignment…
Dad, thank you for being the creative genius who made a difference in so many lives…
Dad, thank you for the spirituality you brought to our home…
Dad, I loved the dollar pancakes you made for us after church….
Dad, thank you for your good looks….
Dad, thank you, thank you
Dad, make hospice go away and come back to me..

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